Connection Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
New Summer Seminars for Women
The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
Life Beyond Shoes
Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
Why Men Don`t Like Any Of Your Friends
How To Be A Victim Of Marketing
How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On more...
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
Cunning Chinese scientists invented fireworks centuries before Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. Their favorite little sparkler was a plunder-triggered land mine known as
"Underground Sky-Soaring Thunder." Anyone that plucked up the plunder got triggered sky high on a wave of thunder. Floating marine mines were invented by the Chinese in the 14th century, using inflated ox bladders. In this century they have cunningly invented marine "Smart" Mines too, mines smart enough to border on the brilliant.
Actually, they extend a little beyond the border. Chinese Smart Mines can tell the difference between Carriers and Love Boats. They can even spot the X in the plosion where the damage would be the most exasperating. That's pretty sophisticated for a government that pays people to cut grass with stainless steel scissors.
Smart Mines are dangerous even if they don't get loose into the open sea. Recent history tells us that more...
Losing My Connection
by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Apologies to REM)
Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with Linux
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.
Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I more...
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man,' 'Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says,' 'Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said,' 'I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says,' 'That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
A Door-To-Door Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Goes To The First House In His New Territory And Knocks At The Door. A Tough Looking
Lady Opens The Door. Before She Can Say Anything, He Runs Inside And Dumps Cow Dung All Over The Carpet. Salesman: “Lady, If
The Vacuum Cleaner Doesn’t Do Wonders Cleaning This Up, i’ll Eat Every Chunk Of It. ” She Turns To Him With A Smile And
Politely Says, “Would You Like It With Ketchup? ” Salesman: “Why Do You Ask? ” Lady: ”We Just Moved In And We Haven’t Got The
Electricity Connection As Yet. ”