Carefully Jokes / Recent Jokes
When we asked a zoologist friend of ours how porcupines have sex, we were told, "Carefully, very carefully."
A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression "carrying a child" instead of "pregnant," but the girl seemed satisfied.
Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: "There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant."
If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that
"98" is a higher number than "95"
a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).
Among the improvements:
faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models),
enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality,
smoother handling,
less knocking and pinging,
an more...
1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren't necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should never generalize. 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 13. Be more or less specific. 14. Understatement is always best. 15. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 17. The passive voice is to be avoided. 18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 20. Who needs rhetorical questions? 21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse more...
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership. If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway. If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line. If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names. If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911. If you more...
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this....
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock you doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in you favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.
Then, carefully place it on a table or a flat surface, so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins- Take ou the literature and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement.
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"
Finally, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times.
"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."