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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank! you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only more...
Redneck's Ode to a ValentineKudzu is green. My Dog's name is Blue. And I'm so danged lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin' in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. Yo're as graceful as okry jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth For which I am proud. I hold my head high When we's in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well I'm in hawg heaven. I'm plumb out of my wits. And speakin' of wits, You got plenty fer shore.' Cuz you are my woman. I can't ask fer more. Like a good roll of Duct Tape Yo're there for yore man To patch up life's toubles And stick' em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud. Yet fragile as that singer Named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a Junebug A-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant On more...
Always buy good shoes, and a good bed. Because if you aren't in one, you're in the other.
Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carollers away.
You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
Your favorite Christmas ornament depicts Santa Claus shooting a moon
Your favorite Christmas movie is "Jurassic Park".
Your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.
You get your Christmas Tree from a rest stop at night.
You think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.
Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, brandy, and bourbon
You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
Your favorite Christmas tradition involves a bonfire and reindeer meat.
IBM: It's Being MendedIBM: Inmense Ball of MuckIBM: I Believe in MemorexIBM: It's Better than Macintosh! IBM: Idiots Built MeIBM: Intense Bowel MovementIBM: Inferior But Marketable? IBM: I've Been MisleadIBM: It's Better ManuallyIBM: Infinitly Better MacintoshIBM: Indefinitly Boggled MachineIBM: I Bought a MacIBM: I Blame Microsoft. IBM: I Bought MacintoshIBM: I'll Buy MacintoshIBM: I've Been MovedIBM: I've Been MuggedIBM: Incontinent Bowel MovementIBM: Identical Blue MenIBM: Idiotic Bit MasherIBM: Idiots Become ManagersIBM: Incompatible Business MachinesIBM: Incredibly Boring MachineIBM: Infernal Bloody MonopolyIBM: Institute of Black MagicIBM: Internal Beaurocratic MessIBM: International Brotherhood of MagiciansIBM: Intolerant of Beards and MustachesIBM: It'll Be MessyIBM: It's Backwards, ManIBM: Itty Bitty MachinesIBM: Itty Bitty MoronsIBM: It Barely MovesIBM: I Buy MainframesIBM compatible - IBM contemptible
Martha Stewart vs Me...
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's more...