Board Jokes / Recent Jokes

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional more...

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say,' 'Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10) Swim near someone and go' 'Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here.''
11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say' 'HA-HA, fooled you!''
13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving more...

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see." They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed. On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see." All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the more...

It's a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks... but with a little imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.
Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter.
Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case... the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
Room dividers for hamsters.
Drink coasters.
Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
Ice scraper.
Bathroom more...

On a real estate agent's car: "Site-seeing bus."
On the sales lot for mobile homes: "Wheel Estate."
In a public utilities office: "We're Pleased to Meter You!"
In a TV repair shop: "Do it yourself - then call us."
In a doctor's office: "The doctor is very busy - please have your symptoms ready."
In front of a school: "In the event of an atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in this school is temporarily suspended."
In an obstetrician's office: "Pay As You Grow."
At a mechanic's shop: "Let me brake you, muffle you, and shock you."
On a campus job board: "Hotel workers wanted. Only the inn-experienced need apply."
By entrance to a maternity shop: "Clothes for the wait conscious."
In a pet shop window: "Hare ye! Hare ye! Have Easter bunnies. Hop to it!"
On a church bulletin board: "Work for the Lord. The pay isn't much, more...

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a more...

On the Kurunegala main road there appeared an advertisement from the leading condom producers, on the importance of safe sex and the dangers of many a fatal illness which could result in carefree sex.
A smart guy walking on the road was much taken up by the advertisement and painted the following slogan in double meaning, big as ever.....
M A K U W O T H H I R A Y! !! ( turn it around )
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++==

The newly married native doctor moved into his new house soon after his honeymoon and fixed a newly painted board with his name and title, though he was still on matrimonial leave. The board read thus:
WAIDYACHARA PREMALOKA KALA NIDHI.
A adventourous guy in the area knowing the doctor who had a late marriage and was still on leave, simply added an
HU in front of the title KALA NIDHI.....! !!

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