Beat Jokes / Recent Jokes

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." — Emo Philips

Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.

Rum Cake
Before you start, sample the rum and check for good quality.
Good, isn't it?
Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cups, spatula, etc.
(Check that rum again for quality. It must be just right!
Try it again.)
With an electric beater, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. (Meanwhile, make certain
that rum is of best quality.)
Add two large eggs and two cups of dried fruit and beat until very
high. If fruit gets stuck in the beater, pry it out with a
screwdriver. (Sample rum again, checking for consistency.)
Next, sift in three (2) cups of baking powder and add a pinch
of rum, one seaspoon of soda and one cupa papper...(or maybe
salt?) Anyway, don't fret, just taste that rum again. Good
stuff.
Next, sift in a half pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped buttermilk
and strained nuts. Sample rum again.
Now, one bablespoon srown sugar, or whatever more...

One Day Santa & Banta Go To A National Park In Kashmir. So Banta Suggests That They Should Go For A Walk But Santa Disagrees That Terrorists Might Kill Them. Banta Convinces Him To Go Anyhow. So They Go And The Terrrorists Come. Banta Climbs A Tree & Santa Is Left Behind. So The Terrorists Beat Santa. This Goes On For A Week. But The Next Time Santa Climbs Up First. So The Terrorists Say That They Have Beaten The Guy At The Bottom Enough And Lets Beat The One On The Tree.

Ingedients
1 teaspoon sugar
2 bottles rum
1 cup dried mixed fruit
2 cups brown sugar
1 teaspoon soda
1 cup butter
2 large eggs
1/2 cup baking powder
1 ounce lemon juice
1/2 pound mixed nuts
Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It must be just right.
To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still OK all right. Try another cup. Open second bottle, ifffxx necessary.
Sample rum again.
Next, sift 3 cups pepper of salt, really doesn't matter. Sample rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a bablespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mel.
Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 degrees. Pour mess into boven and ake. Check rum and go to bed.

A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."

But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.

Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"

The bartender said "Why?"

The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria: 1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did). 2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did). 3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)." A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair." Can I help you?" she says." I'm here about your ad in the paper." "Which ad is that?" "The one looking for a husband." She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria...""Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms." "Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria." "And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs." "Well, yes, that's true... more...