Applying Jokes / Recent Jokes

When Fred was applying for a credit card, the manager of the credit card company asked him if he had much money in the bank. "I have," said Fred. "How much?" asked the manager. "I don't know exactly," said Fred, "I haven't shaken it lately."

Mandy was applying for a summer job.' How old are you?' asked the owner of the store.' I'm twelve years old, Sir,' answered Mandy.' And what do you expect to be when you grow up? '' Twenty one, Sir.'

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________ Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________ Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___ Please list brand of cell phone: __________________ (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Please indicate activities you perform while driving: Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat [ ] Having sex [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety magazine [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many times a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____ b) How more...

This is supposedly a job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's why I'm applying.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're more...

This supposedly is an essay written by a college applicant when applying to colleges/universities. It made me laugh right out loud!
3A. ESSAY - IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using more...

Very Short Books...1) Outdoor activities in Chernobyl2) Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens3) Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased4) Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet5) Defensive Driving tips for the Blind6) Contraceptive tips for Nuns7) Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus8) Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers9) Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians10) GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats11) GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes12) Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs13) Human Rights organizations in Libya14) Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba15) Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits16) Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House17) Guide to Redneck Gay Bars18) Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers19) Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents20) Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players21) Famous Hillbilly Physics22) Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit more...

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to
live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and
culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have
realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:Name:___________________ Stage name:________________Agent:___________________
Attorney:_______________________Therapist's name:_________________Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___Please list brand of cell phone:________________
*If you don't own a cell phone, please more...