Anything Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25, 000 and another for $50, 000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20, 000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. more...

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've more...

ON COURAGE: "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." -- Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE: "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory

ON POVERTY: "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson

ON FATE: "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -- Christie Brinkley

ON ARRIVING: "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take." -- Kathy Ireland (star of Alien From L. A. and Danger Island)

ON CAREER CHOICES: "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian." -- Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -- Kim Alexis

ON more...

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I more...

Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don`t want to discuss it. I`m merely telling you because you`re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I`ve made up my mind, I`m divorcing Mama." The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don`t want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can`t decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It`s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you`re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don`t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where`s Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No I don`t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven`t told her yet. Believe me it hasn`t been easy. I`ve agonized over it for several days, and I`ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with more...

They came up with a machine that when a girl has a baby, they can transfer the pain from the girl to the father. So they tried it out. They transfered it to the father on one girl that was having a baby. They transfered 25% of it to the father, he did not feel anything. So they transfered 50% still he did not feel anything, then 75%, then 100%, still he did not feel anything. So he went home and he saw the milk man spilled milk all over.

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!