"Xmas top ten department store Santa pet peeves" joke

"Department Store Santa Pet Peeves"
As presented on the 12/09/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin
When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most Wanted"
Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal
That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president
Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School
Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
Two words: lap rash