Tip Jokes / Recent Jokes

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your more...

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

A newlywed couple established a household routine that included having sexual relations each evening at five-fifteen. After several weeks, the bride contracted the flu and received an injection that killed all but three germs. The trio of survivors frantically discussed how they might escape. "I'm moving to the tip of her ear," said the first. "They'll never get me there."
Thinking for a moment, the second bug chirped, "I'm going to the tip of her toe!"
"You guys do what you want," retorted the third, "but when that old five-fifteen pulls out tonight, I'm going to be on it."

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip? ”
“Well, ” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great. ” “Is that so? ” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars. ”
“Thanks, ” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund. ”
“What are you studying in school? ” asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology. ”

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The more...

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself:' You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.'

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him.' Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?'

'Well, this penny tells me you're a very thrifty man.' Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters' Hmm, true enough.'' And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor.' Surprised at her perception, he says,' Well, that's true, too.'

'And the third penny tells me that your father was a bachelor too..... ..You Cheap Bastard!'

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen? ” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ” the blonde replied. “What? ” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger? ” “No, silly! ” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, “I just paid $6000 for these, I’m not shooting myself in the chest. ’” “So, then? ” asked the doctor. “Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth. ’” “So, then? ” “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought ‘This is going to make a loud noise, ’ so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”