Register Jokes / Recent Jokes

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale! "Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank`s video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn`t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he`d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block more...

A woman goes to Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. Not knowing which one to get, she just grabs one and takes it over to the cash register where she finds an 'associate' standing there with dark shades on.
"Excuse me, sir," she says, "can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
"Ma'am, I'm blind," he replies, "but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She really doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a great all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
"That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter," she replies in surprise. "I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
Just as he's about to ring it up on the register, the woman farts. At first she's embarrassed, but more...

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I. D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I robbed." Elsewhere... In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Bubba" Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. Meanwhile... In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall... Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police. And... In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts more...

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE more...

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE-WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about more...