Courtroom Jokes / Recent Jokes

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of
cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical
behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in
contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if
you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the more...

Everyone in the courtroom waited with great anticipation as the judge, ensconced in his chambers, considered the evidence in the widely publicized paternity suit. Emerging after long minutes of deliberation, the brooding magistrate entered the courtroom and took his seat behind the bench. Staring at the defendant, he suddenly reached into his robes, withdrew a cigar, and with a flourish handed it to the young man.
"Congratulations," the judge declared, "you've just become a father."

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took
place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”The witness: “Yes, sir.”The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury
how you knew it was exactly that distance?”The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured
it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom. He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers. And who should be sitting there - the judge.

Judge: "Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?"

Kid: "Yeah?"

Judge: "Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze." The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

Judge: "Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it more...

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in thesentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering herhusband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for himtrying to make his client appear more sympathetic to theJudge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact"about the whole thing all during the trial."Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morningwhere you felt pity for your husband ?""Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied."And when was that?" pressed the attorney."Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?”Defendant: “I didn't want to wake up the children.”

Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, “When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?”“Yes, sir, they were.”“Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”“Yes, sir, she did.”“And,” looking at Judi, "what was it she said?”“She said, ‘What disco am I at?’”