Congregation Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Wednesday night church service happened to fall on the last day of hunting season. When the pastor asked his congregation if anyone had bagged a deer this year, no one raised their hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't understand. Many of the wives stated that their husbands were missing last Sunday because of hunting season. To help in your hunting quest, I asked the congregation to pray for your deer."
"It sure worked," groaned one hunter, "they're all safe!"
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, more...
A pastor wanted to be "trendy" and "appeal to the youth". So he decided to preach a sermon which took all of its illustrations from surf boarding. He spent a week preparing the message, and was pretty pleased with the results.
However, his wife was considerably less enthusiastic. On Sunday morning she refused to accompany him to church and said, "Merle, if you're gonna preach about surf boarding, I'm not gonna sit in the congregation and be embarrassed."
The pastor walked to church and decided that perhaps his wife was right. So he preached a sermon on Christian views of sex - what was and was not appropriate behavior for Christians. Not wanting to admit to his wife that she was right (No husband ever admits his wife was right if he can help it.), the pastor said nothing of his changed sermon.
A couple days later the wife was grocery shopping and met a member of the congregation. The member commented, "That was a magnificent sermon that more...
A pastor was getting increasingly annoyed with a man in the congregation who fell asleep each week during the sermon. He tried everything he could think of, but the man still kept falling asleep.
One day, he got an idea. When Sunday came around he was preaching on heaven and hell. When he determined that the man was sound asleep he quietly said to the congregation, "You have a choice: All those who want to go to heaven quietly stand."
To which the entire congregation (minus Mr. Sleepy) stood.
"Fine," said the preacher, "you may be seated now."
They sat. Then he continued, "Everyone who is going to hell, *STAND UP*!!!" to which the sleeper awoke and immediately stood.
He then looked around at the congregation who were all looking at him, turned to the preacher and said, "Well, preacher, I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and I are the only ones for it."
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.Rosie, all the way in the back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who onSabbath eve announces to the congregation that he willnot renew his contract and is moving on to a largercongregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands upand announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him witha new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!"The congregation sighs, and applauds. Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,"If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish afoundation to guarantee the college education of hischildren!!"More sighs and applause. Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,"If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!"There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what wecould contribute to make the rabbi more...