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    Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that more...

    Every year around this time, my sister makes an attempt to create what she says is her masterpiece of culinary delight (in fact, she usually makes two or three attempts) but alas, I have yet to sample even a tiny morsel of it.
    Here is the recipe she uses:
    1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
    1c. butter 1tsp. soda
    1tsp. sugar lemon juice
    2 large eggs brown sugar
    1c. dried fruit nuts
    Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality-- try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit more...

    Timmy, age 4 went to see Santa for the first time, and he asked
    Santa for lots of toys. The next day, his mother and Timmy had
    to go out and do some more shopping. They saw Santa again and
    Timmy sat on Santas lap a second time.
    When Santa asked Timmy what he wanted for Christmas, he said in a
    questioning voice "But I told you what I wanted yesterday!?
    Santa quickly covered himself by quickly saying that he thought
    Timmy might have thought of something else to add to his list.
    When they went out again a few days later, Timmy asked his mother
    if Santa was going to be there. She promptly told him he would.
    Timmy thought a bit then said "I thought of something else to add
    to my list then."
    "What is that? asked Mom.
    "Why an elf, of course. replied Timmy.
    "An elf? Whatever do you want an elf for? queried Mom.
    "Why ask for toys when I can ask for elves, replied Timmy, more...

    HONORABLE MENTIONS:

    My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

    It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

    Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

    Home is where the house is.

    Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

    As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

    It would be terrible if the Red Cross more...

    Martha Stewart vs Me... Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room more...

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