Top Rated Jokes

Brenda and Ruth were playing golf when a bird flew overhead.
Brenda said. "Look at that lovely swan."
Ruth replied, "It was a duck."
"It was a swan," said Brenda.
Just then a golf ball was hit in their direction.
"Duck!" shouted Ruth.
"Swan!" screamed Brenda.
"Ka-bonk!" went the golf ball.

Ok, 3 canadians were walking along the beach, one from the Yukon, one from Quebec, and one from Newfoundland. Now, it happened that they found a magic lamp. After rubbing it, the genie promised each of them one wish. The Yukon said, "I wish for fish teeming in our waters for a million years." The genie snapped his fingers and said, "Done."
The Yukon man went off to go fish. Now the Quebec man said, "Being as the Quebecois's (is that right?) are a superior race, I want a wall a mile high and a mile thick all the way around Quebec so no one can get in, and no one can get out.
So the genie snapped his fingers, and transported the Quebecois to Quebec so there were no problems.
The Newfie stepped up and said, "Ok, it's a mile high and a mile thick, and no one can get in or out right?"
"Correct." said the genie.
"Fill it with water."

Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child????

Wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor! I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."

The judge turns to Husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?"

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

"Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out. Whose Pepsi is it? the machine's or mine?" Yeh sunke...

Wife replied: "Judge sahab... bartan mera... dudh bhi mera... aur usme dahi jamane ke liye 2 bunde daalne se dahi bana tu fir wo dahi kiska..? mera ya do bund dalane vale ka"

Husband replied: "Typewriter mein kagaz mainedala, keys daba-daba kar mehnat maineki, fir chithi kiski? Typewriter ki ya meri?"

Frustrated Judge: "Agar tu chithi haath se hi likh leta to yahan par more...

Birth Control Pills At 72?
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Submitted by Darcy

Twice a week a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border and he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.

Each time the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.

Sometimes they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some illegal item.

They racked their brains but never found anything untoward.

It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene, that they learned the truth.

He had been smuggling bicycles.

One day a man from Alabama comes to Georgia to get an education. He goes to the first professor he sees and says, “What can you teach me?”

Shocked, the professor answers, “Well, I can teach you about the power of reasoning.”

With a questioned look on his face, the man replied, “What’s that?”

“I’ll give you an example,” said the professor. “Do you have a weedeater?”

Although the question seemed strange, the man answered, “Yes, I do”

“Well, if you have a weedeater, then you must have a yard, do you have a yard?”

The man nods.

“Then, if you have a yard, I’ll bet you have a house.”

Again, the man agrees.

“Because you have a house, you must have a wife?”

Once more, the man nods.

“If you have a wife, you must be heterosexual, correct?”

The man again agrees. The man finishes up the full course and heads back to Alabama. When he comes across more...

You know you're Taliban if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.