I'll never forget my girlfriend's dying words to me:
"For god's sake, put the fucking knife down!"
Q: What is the similarity between a rubix cube and a dick?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!
The police were called to our house after a violent domestic dispute.
My wife completely lost her head. I was lucky and just had cuts and bruises.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Don't knock on Death's door.
Instead, ring the bell and run. Death hates that...