"What you learn from Kids" joke

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
By a Weary Father

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes.

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

- Duplos will not.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- Super glue is forever.

- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

- Ditto Tarzan.

- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

- Plastic toys do not like ovens.

- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

- It will however make cats dizzy.

- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).