"Universal resume translator" joke

Universal resume translator
I know how to deal with stressful situationsI'm currently on long term Prozac treatments.
I am able to take the time to interact wellI take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I have strong communication skillsI talk too much.
I'm proud of my organizational skillsI love to tell other people what to do.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organizationI've used Microsoft Office some.
I'm honest, hard-working and dependableI only pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includesTo say nothing of all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my workI blame others for my mistakes.
I'm balanced and centeredI keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I have a good sense of humorI know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly.
I'm personable and interested in othersI give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm willing to relocateI've just been evicted again.
I have a stable personal lifeOnce I finish with this latest divorce, that is.
I'm extremely professionalI have a Day-Timer calendar thingee.
My background and skills match your requirementsAt that piddling salary, you're lucky to get anyone.
I am adaptableI've changed jobs a lot.
I am always on the goI'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeedThe minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
I have formal trainingMy probation officer says I'm a natural student.
I interact well with all co-workersAll those sexual harassment charges were a sham.
I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experienceI'm always making personal telephone calls.
I look forward to hearing from you soonLike, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.

St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one more...

16
2

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!"

This more...

3
1

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his more...

1
0
Be first to comment!
remember me
follow replies
Funny Joke? 2 vote(s). 50% are positive. 0 comment(s).