"Top 16 signs you hired a bad firewokrs expert" joke

1> For kicks, sticks roman candle in empty eye socket and chases kids around.

2> Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time he lights a fuse.

3> He wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale.

4> Offers 20% discount if Salman Rushdie attends your event.

5> Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from NASA!"

6> Theme of the fireworks display: "The Jihad Against the Beer Swilling Pigs Begins"

7> He finally shows up on July 6th smelling like a refinery.

8> Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message: "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb."

9> Asks if he should shoot off Quaker Puffed Rice or Oats when the 1812 Overture begins.

10> The punk he keeps trying to light has orange hair and a nose ring.

11> Wants to synchronize the 4th of July display to Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise."

12> Can't launch the ol' rocket in front of an audience, if you know what I mean.

13> His grand finale involves pork & beans and a Bic lighter.

14> Teaches the kids to free up their hands by lighting fireworks in their mouth.

15> His degree, from the Wyle E. Coyote Demolition Academy, is an *honorary* degree.

16> Business card reads, "Sponsored by St. Luke's Burn Unit"