"The Man's Point System!" joke

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEMFor all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here itis:In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the womanhappy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something shedislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doingsomething she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.Here is a guide to the point system:SIMPLE DUTIESYou make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add thedecorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpledsheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings...+5 But return with beer...-5 You check out asuspicious noise at night...0 You check out a suspicious noise andit's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it'ssomething....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's herfather...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace thetoilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll isbarren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out youshuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 Youstay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a collegedrinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6Tiffany has implants...-8HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out todinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it'sall-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of yourfavorite team...-10THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forgetyour anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the busstation...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouringrain dissolves her leg cast...-60A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal...-5 And the pal ishappily married...-4 Or frighteningly single...-7 And he drives aMustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...-15You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You misscurfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoyingfriend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie shelikes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to amovie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said itwas a foreign film about orphans...-15FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy herflowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give herwildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contractsLyme disease...-25YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop anoticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You developa noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiianshirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have onetoo"....-800FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized modelairplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mothertell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end upgetting lost because you followed her directions...+10 You end upgetting lost in a bad part of town...-15 You get lost in a bad partof town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25 You knowthem...-60THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitivequestions always start with a deficit) You hesitate inresponding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35CO

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