"The Gingrinch that stole Xmas" joke
The Gingrinch that stole Xmas
By Mark D. Harmon
(journalism and broadcasting Prof. at Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas.)
All the Whos down in Whoville took little note. Some listened to fear. Some didn't vote. Little did they know a Gingrinch did lurk. He'd been scheming for years to do evil work. The Whos were surprised, to find in everyone's house, a fat grinning rat dressed as a church mouse.
"I'm the Gingrinch," he bleated. "You Whos must be told that hope's been defeated." The Whos looked around in shock and dismay. Who could have dreamed such a strange thing to say? The Gingrinch, however, took little heed. He had an agenda; it started with greed.
The Gingrinch chortled and let out a hideous laugh. He bellowed and beckoned and brought out his staff. "This is Jesse, Strom, Alphonse, Henry, Bob, and Kay-we have so much contract work to do today. We intend to change Christmas, the whole Christmas season. We've got a new message; we've made a new reason."
The Whos looked surprised at the motley rat crew, but the Gingrinch insisted they knew what to do. "Christmas now will mean so much more. Christmas now," Gingrinch sneered, "will mean blaming the poor."
"It's their fault," he drooled, "that they face gloom and doom. If they had any sense, they'd come out of a different womb." The Who families held hands, grimaced and snuggled. They remembered how together they had worked and struggled. The Gingrinch, however, blabbed on unabated. He knew what he wanted; he knew who he hated.
"This Head Start," the Gingrinch said very slow. "It teaches kids to think. It helps them to grow. This Head Start," he scowled, "is the first thing to go. Then abortion is next," dictated the Gingrinch, "but care for a child gets none of our worth. Life begins at conception and ends at birth." Then he took away job training, food stamps, and student loans. He heard all the pain; the Gingrinch liked to hear groans.
"Now let's give to the rich; they've got it already. It keeps my campaign contributions rolling in steady. And I'm tough on crime, that's what I'm sellin' - excepting, of course, those poor S&L felons. Remember that I want to keep you all free. Let's start by making you pray like me."
All the Whos now were praying the nightmare would end, but the Gingrinch kept planning to borrow and spend. With each falling snowflake, the Gingrinch grew bolder, and the Whos remembered his ideas were much older.
"I want noise, lots of toys. Set my mind to race. I want tanks, bazookas, and lasers in space." The Gingrinch insisted, "Raid the pensions. Tax the poor. This voodoo will work, this time, I'm sure. Why I even dare to cut Medicare. I'll need all this loot, and we'll find a new enemy or my name isn't Newt!"
That Christmas in Whoville tested the spirit of Yule. Few Whos could afford to pay Newt's private school. Holly cost dearly, so Who's sprinkled twigs with sage. Then Gingrinch abolished the minimum wage. Who children missed the animals that used to freely roam.
The Gingrinch had sold off the parks they called home. Belching pipes now polluted the water and air. Sick and old couldn't pay for the simplest care.
Yet on Christmas Eve as the stars shone through the haze, Whos ventured out with a determined gaze. They held hands and sung, "Who Who Hooray. Der flugel. Der flugel. Callou and callay. Welcome Christmas. Christmas Day. Bahoo Dore. Sing of cheer. Sing of whos far and near. Sing of whos no longer fearing. The Gingrinch is going, election day is nearing."
Not enough votes...