"Personals" joke

Hot 8 years ago

Online dating is huge now. Everyone from EHarmony to Match.com have been benefitting from the surge in personals. But impersonal nature of online personals need a little clarifying. Below you'll find a guide to better enable yourself "Find That Special Someone"
Beautiful Bulgarian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Ukranian girl = I need a green card
Beautiful Romanian girl = I need a green card....possibly a gypsy
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = a really good lay
Athletic = No tits
Spends too much time at work / Work Hard = I'm cheating on you and we haven't even met
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Takes a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure = On medication / Frequent Psychiatric Visits
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie / Hippie
Hopeless romantic = Wants a Ring
Friendship first = Former slut
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
very goal oriented = She wants to wear the pants
BA in psychology = I will be single forever
Sensitive Girl = Insecure
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Old-fashioned = No Blow Jobs
Looking For A Man with ambition = Golddigger
Mentions the word "Love" in any way shape or form = clingy
Honest Eyes = I'll cheat on you and you'll never know....hehehehe
Family is important to me = Father Issues
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Average looking = Ugly
Spontaneous = Will Have Sex Anywhere
Looking for a cowboy! = Take me....Take me nowwwwww!
low maintenance girl = not very attractive and probably athletic = no tits no looks
Fun-loving girl = gives it up a lot
For a guy to make me laugh = depressed probably medicated
Honest, intelligent, funny and just down to earth = probably none of the above
Spiritual = a witch, possibly a vegetarian
Voluptuous = Possibly Fat
Large frame = One Large Woman
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
Looking for a nice guy = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
No Baby Daddy Drama = Baby Daddy Drama (Look out!)
30-ish = 35-45
40-ish = 49-54
Chivalry should not be dead! There's something to be said about how our parents courted = Princess....Only Child
Very social = keep your good-looking friend away from this one
I've been called a keeper = only calls herself a keeper
Looking for a nice girl = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)
Ambitious = Rich
Family is important to me = Mother Issues
Old fashioned gentleman = Oldddd. Really Olddddddd
Renowned Psycologist = You'll be on medication inside of a week
I've been called a keeper = only calls himself a keeper
Open-minded = Really Really Desperate
Adventurous & Open-minded = Swinger, possibly bi
I want you to want me = Knows at least one song from the 80s
Charming European accent = I will cheat on you, but its okay I have a Charming European accent
"Bad boys need love too" = maybe a good lay, possibly has herpes
(wickedly sarcastic) sense of humor = Will tell you your ugly and think its funny
Big Teddy Bear = Really Really Big
Lets go on a magic carpet ride = On the Sexual Offender list....check local website first
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Exceptional = Probably average at best
Look here! = You probably don't want to look there
Moved back after a long time = I'm 30 and I live with my parents
Voluptuous = Sex Change... Tranvestite
No Baby Mama Drama = Baby Mama Drama (Look out!)
I work at Budweiser = Un-employed
I like to watch movies = Can't dance to save my life
Out going, Independent Guy = Will not come home at night
looking for the ms right = Mr. Wrong
Adam looking for Eve = Bible Study begins at 8pm
Tall guy = Big Schlong
Sensitive Guy = Gay
I cried watching the movie "Titanic" = Gay
Searching for Treasure = "Let me guess it's around a female's chest!"
Smart and quiet guy = "One Day I will be the Uni-Bomber"....don't look in my basement
I love doing yoga and running with my dog = Really Really Really Gay
I don't have an intro line = Not

One day a man from Alabama comes to Georgia to get an education. He goes to the first professor he sees and says, “What can you teach me?”

Shocked, the professor answers, “Well, I can teach you about the power of reasoning.”

With a questioned look on more...

Q: What is the similarity between a rubix cube and a dick?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!

There were 3 lads called shit, fuckoff and manners. Shit gets run over so fuckoff runs to the police station
"Quick, my friends been run over" He shouts
"Ok calm down" says the policeman. "Wots ur more...

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.

Love wanted to persevere more...

I farted in an elevator yesterday... it was wrong on so many levels.

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