"Parody of the speech Kurt Vonnegut never made" joke

Ladies and gentlemen of so-called Y2K-compliant generation:

Wear radiation suits.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, radiation suits would be it. Let's face it: the ozone layer is being depleted at a rapid rate, and not even sunscreen can stop all the deadly waves. But the long-term benefits of heavy, lead-laden radiation suits have been proved in nuclear power plants everywhere, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering thoughts. I will dispense this advice...uh,...yeah, right about...now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of other people's youth. You will not understand the power and beauty of your OWN youth until it's faded. But trust me, in 40 years, you'll look back at young people and take great pleasure in asking them, "Help an old lady across the street, will ya?" or "Mind carrying my groceries, sonny?"

You are not as fat as you imagine...you'r probably WAY worse.

Don't worry about the future. What am I, nuts? With India and Pakistan with nuclear bombs and Saddam Hussein having any and every kind of weapon possible because the inspectors weren't there? You BETTER worry! WORRY A LOT!!!

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you on Main Street going running a red light at 65mph in a school zone into your side door at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you...like leaving the house and joining the real world.

Sing. Loudly. In the library. They'll appreciate the change of pace.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Destroy the lives of people who are reckless with yours.

Sand-blast.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're behind, sometimes you're WAY behind. The race is long and, in the end, you'll probably lose anyway.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me where you live, because I'm going to kill you.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old overdue car payment slips.

Get an enema.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Sure, they still live with their parents and download kiddie porn from the internet, but...can't argue that they're not interesting.

Take plenty of Viagra.

Be kind to your fertility. You'll miss it when it's gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have a lover for every day of the week,...chances are you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll be wed with a shotgun to your back to a girl you had a "roll in the hay" with when you stopped by three months ago. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself at all; berate yourself constant. Your choices are all wrong. But so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Touch it every way you can. Don't be afraid to touch it or of what other people think of you touching it. It's the greatest pleasure you'll ever own.

Dance, but, if you do tha Macarena, I'll kill you.

Read the directions, but only those in Japanese.

Do not read beauty magazines...but rip off the free cologne and perfume inserts whenever you can.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Make certain you get your part of the inheritance.

Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to take you into their house in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to handcuff them to your wrists and ankles, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young, especially to remind you where you live...again.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you gay.

Stay home!

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise, Bill Gates is God, and you, too, will get senile. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, Bill Gates was a respectable businessman, and your boss was nice, responcible man, instead of the clueless, ladder-climbing, back-stabbing jerk he really is.

Respect your boss...unless you LIKE being on unemployment.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out on you and go to a more handsome person.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will all be gone.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but rent it whenever you can. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the toilet, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, spraying it with air freshener, and passing it to others even though they know it's still just a big bunch of sh*t.

But trust me on the radiation suits.