"New Travel Policy" joke
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on company business.
Hitch-hiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Should hitch-hiking prove fruitless, bus travel may be utilized if absolutely necessary. Airline tickets will be authorized for purchase only under extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Sacramento but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Denver, then travel to Denver will be substituted for travel to Sacramento.
Car rental fees are going up all the time, and are to be avoided. As a substitute for these charges, we recommend car-sharing. Simply turn your issued safety vest inside out, and you will notice that it now says "VALET PARKING ATTENDANT" over the left breast pocket. After arriving at your destination, stand at the curb in front of the airport departure terminal. Studies have shown that within 10 minutes someone will hand you the keys to their car, which they are unlikely to need again for three to five days. Our operations research says that a ten-minute wait time compares favorably with the average rental car checkout time, and that 90% of our corporate travel is completed within the three to five day window during which the car is available.
Members of the sales team may be able to use their skills to obtain advance payment of the parking fees and apply the money toward gasoline if the vehicle is insufficiently fueled at acquisition. Car sharing has the added advantage of avoiding extensive car return formalities once your business is complete. Simply leave the car in the terminal loading zone, and the airport police will see that it gets back to the owner.
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If such accommodation is unavailable at a particular destination, public areas such as parks and parking lots may be used as temporary lodging. In inclement weather, a bridge or large cardboard box can serve as a useful shelter. For those of you who are sports-minded and traveling to rainy areas, a scuba suit may prove to be a cost-effective alternative to an overpriced Motel 6.
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains such as Piggly Wiggly, Fresh Fields, and Price Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. For a small fee, HR will be pleased to provide you with the latest U.S. Army survival handbook, which includes comprehensive information on nutritious vegetation and other al fresco dining opportunities such as squirrels, insects, and small reptiles. Restaurants are not to be utilized unless snow cover renders foraging impractical. In such cases, employees are directed to locate establishments featuring "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed the entire group. As an alternative to obtaining food at your destination, canned tuna, spam, pork-n-beans, and beefaroni are light, easy to pack, and may be consumed at your leisure without the bother of heating or other preparation. Don't forget to take an opener, as the company dental plan does not cover damage caused by gnawing your way into a can. As partial compensation for being obliged to travel over Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year's Day, employees assigned trips during holiday periods will normally be able to obtain a free meal from the local Salvation Army facility. Directions may be obtained from the local police (911 is a free call from any pay phone) or your fellow park residents. (See "Lodging" above.)
Business Meals while on travel are strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required during customer contacts, the customer should be encouraged to pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money and convince the customer that we are concerned about spending money on a good product, not on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot next to the dumpster. The Chik-n-Quik on the west side of our building has a take-out window that provides excellent service, and is offering a 20% discount until the Health Department allows our company cafeteria to reopen. A garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be provided for our guests. In addition, employees are permitted to forage in the dumpster for edible items.
All employees are encouraged to apply innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that travel costs could be defrayed through the generation of revenue during normally unproductive airport layover time. In support of this idea, red caps and jackets will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be furnished for travelers, and should be offered for sale as time permits.
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