"Legal Q & A's" joke

Hot 3 years ago

Questions are asked by lawyers.
Answers are given by witnesses.
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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said,' Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Q: Let me get this straight, Mrs. Clarkson. Despite the
fact that you had hired detectives to watch your
husband's every move, you yourself stood on that
corner every night, in all kinds of weather,
watching your husband and a woman enter the house,
seeing the lights go on downstairs, and then shortly
after that in an upstairs bedroom, and then some
minutes later turned out entirely. Why in the world
did you do it?
A: I just wanted to be near my husband.
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A woman charged with adultery was grilled by the
opposing attorney.
Q: Young lady, just how do you justify your course of
conduct?
A: Well, Judge, I gave him all he wanted. I kept him
happy. I don't see why he should be concerned about
what I did with my leftovers.
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Q: Well, you're a pretty big man, aren't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: How big would you say?
A: Oh, about eight inches.
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Q: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
A: No.
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Q: Did the defendant have an erection?
THE DEFENSE: Objection. Calls for expert medical opinion.
THE COURT: I don't think so.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten.
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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ATTORNEY: (in the middle of a long cross-examination):
Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep.
THE COURT: Well, you put him to sleep. Now wake him up.
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ATTORNEY: And you can show us a copy of that oral
agreement?
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Do you have copies of those estimates?
A: I don't know.
Q: Do you have copies of the purchase orders?
A: I don't know.
Q: Do you know who would?
A: Do I know who would know? Yes.
Q: Who?
A: Me, if I knew.

48
13

Grumpy

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her more...

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run. She still has the grenade in her mouth.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

My wife says I never listen... or something like that...

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