"Italian Obituary (Off to Italians and Mafiosa)" joke
Staten Island contractor, Procofacio Unscrupulata, age 62, of 69 Grotto Boulevard, South Beach, died yesterday from injuries received in the collapse of a building he was inspecting prior to sale at a public auction.
Born in Monte Marrona, Sicily, Unscrupulata was brought into this country at the age of 11 by his parents, Regurgito and Nauseatta Unscrupulata. Prior to his untimely demise, Unscrupulata was the president of the Negligenta Construction Company, which he founded with his late brother, Devio. Before his association with the Negligenta Construction Company, Unscrupulata worked for the Profuso Cesspool Cleaning and Catering Company. He is survived by his wife, Inconsolata: their sons, Retardo, Cretio and Imbecillio; daughters Ovaria, Fallopia, and Clitoria: two sisters, Mrs. Hysteria Psicosi and Mrs. Mammaria Pendulosa: a half-brother, Prolifico Fornicata and 14 grandchildren, all of the Grotto Boulevard address.
Active for many years in community affairs, Unscrupulata was also a member of the Sons of Sicily Sharpshooters Society, the Il Duce Theology and Boccee Club, Insanisortos Pizzeria Bowling League, and past president of the South Beach Pink Flamingo Lawn and Garden Alliance. Until recently he appeared also in local carnivals performing his never-to-be-forgotten knife throwing act with the late Inadverto Castrato.
The Very Reverend Celibata Unfortunato of the St. Bastardo Church will offer a Solemn High Requiem Bingo game on Wednesday. Interment will be at the Arriverderci Roma Memorial Park.
Funeral arrangements will be handled by the Rigori-Mortisio Funeral Parlor and Excavating Company.
In the event that strange panel trucks are seen in the vicinity of the cemetery, guests are advised to bring large hankerchiefs, dark glasses and large hats. In lieu of flowers, envelopes will be collected by the deceased's friend of long standing, Miss Amicobilata Clandestino, at whose beach house the party will be held.