"Helpful Tips For The Workplace" joke

Hot 4 years ago

Always walk with a document in your hands:
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. Those with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make certain you carry loads of stuff home with you at night. This will generate the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy:
Any time you use a computer, it looks like 'work' to the casual observer. You can send/receive personal email, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These are not exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they aren't bad either. When you get caught by the boss, and you *will* get caught, your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
Voice Mail:
If you have voice mail, never answer the phone. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do the work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. Should someone leave a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they won't be there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit often. One way to accomplish that is to never erase any incoming messages.
If you find that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full", a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Messy Desk:
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build large piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know someone is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
Looking Impatient and Annoyed:
One should always attempt to look impatient and annoyed to give the bosses the impression that you are always busy.
Appear To Be Working Late:
Always leave the office late, especially those times when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' office on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours - e.g. 9:30pm, 6.50am, etc.) and during public holidays.
Creative Sighing For Effect:
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under serious pressure.
Stacking Strategy:
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. - borrow from the library if necessary. Thick computer manuals are the best.
Build Vocabulary:
Read up on computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember:- They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure will sound impressive.
*MOST IMPORTANTLY:- Do NOT forward this to your boss by mistake!!

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