"Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Week of Class" joke

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"
3. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
4. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
6. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"
7. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
"tsk, tsk".
8. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
9. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.
10. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
11. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.
12. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
13. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
14. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."
15. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
16. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
17. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.
18. Address students as "worm".
19. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any
moment.
20. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping,
and begin singing spirituals.
21. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a
waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
22. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's
name, rank, and serial number.
23. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and
announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
24. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks
a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
25. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space
for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your
sentence and proceed normally.
26. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your
hands.
27. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
28. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
29. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite
numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
30. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.