"Definitions of assistant professors" joke

Definitions for assistant professors:
Academic Freedom:
being free to work any sixty hours of the week one likes.
Weekend:
those days on which one need neither dress well nor wash one's hair before coming to work.
Faculty Lounge:
one's office floor at 2:00 am.
Grade:
Your evaluation of a student's performance, based on your experience as a professional educator. You are allowed only to issue a single capital letter as your evalution. You must sign the submission of the grade, but it is a private record that you cannot disseminate. The student has recourse to several levels of appeal, as well as to legal action, if he or she feels the grade is inappropriate.
Student Teaching Evaluation:
A student's evaluation of your performance, based on his or her experience as a nineteen-year-old. The student can write whatever he or she likes. The student submits this evaluation anonymously, but it becomes a public document. You have absolutely no power to appeal or protest if you feel that the evaluation is inappropriate.
Well-focused research program:
What others have constructed when they publish many papers on roughly the same topic.
Shingling:
What you do when you publish many papers on roughly the same topic.
Breadth of scholarship:
A positive characteristic in others who publish on a variety of topics.
Dilettante:
What you are if you publish on a variety of topics.