"Cards You Can't Get At Hallmark" joke

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers... and a box of Depends.
4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help butwonder .. What the hell was I thinking!
6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
7. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you... I've changed my mind.
9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life....
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
12. Someday I hope to get married... but not to you.
13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
14. When we were together you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
15. We have been friends for a very long time... I say we stop!
16. I'm so miserable without you... it's almost like you're here.
17. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
18. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
19. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia)

' 'Squawks'' are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem, (S) = more...

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover
in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the
year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit more...

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked more...

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