"Attainable New Year's Resolutions" joke
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see
the largest ball of twine.
Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Not have eight children at once.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Start being superstitious.
Personal goal: bring back disco.
Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo
system.
Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic
words.
Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a
chain or rope for a belt.
Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
Not eat cloned meat.
Create loose ends.
Get more toys.
Get further in debt.
Not believe politicians.
Break at least one traffic law.
Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
Stay off the MIR space station.
Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of
them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Mope about my faults.
Person 1: Knock, Knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Cows go.
Person 2: Cows go who?
Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. more...
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her more...
Q:what did god say when the first black person came to heaven?
A:oops I must of burnt one!!
Arnold Schwartzinagor has a long one
Michael J. Fox has a short one
Madonna doesn't have one and
Bill Clinton uses his a lot
What is "it"?
A last name!
Now what were you thinking?