"Alternative Cybersex" joke

Hot 1 year ago

This is one of the funniest pieces I have ever come across. It is apparently from a real log...
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung:Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart:I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung:I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.
Sweetheart:I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung:OK
Sweetheart:We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung:I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart:I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung:Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart:I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung:I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart:I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung:My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart:That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung:I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart:Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung:I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart:I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung:How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart:I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung:I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart:I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung:I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart:What?
Wellhung:I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart:I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung:I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart:OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung:I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart:I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung:I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart:What's the matter?
Wellhung:I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart:Are you OK?
Wellhung:I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart:Can I help?
Wellhung:I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart:In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung:I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart:Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung:I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart:I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung:I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart:Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung:I found it.
Sweetheart:I'

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13

Grumpy

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her more...

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run. She still has the grenade in her mouth.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

My wife says I never listen... or something like that...

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