"A Primer On Southern Manners" joke

Personal Hygiene
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
method.
The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is always
clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or an international
banker.
It's recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and
under-arms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in
these body regions attractive.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Fashion
Pearls with a tube top? Yes, they are an excellent example of
understated elegance but never before April.
No matter how durable, Army boots are not proper footwear for mothers.
And hip waders are not considered dress pants.
As to proper clothing for men, this subject can be summarized in a
single phrase: No collar, no tie.
Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly
from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
In regards to table conversation, avoid stories about car wrecks,
operations, or sick pets. Nothing ruins a good meal quicker than someone
getting sick or sentimental at the table.
While okay at home, it's considered crass to ask, "Are you gonna eat the
rest of that meatloaf?" Especially if you don't know the person.
Many establishments frown on the use of a "doggie bag" at an
all-you-can-eat salad bar. Avoid these pretentious places.
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Out for the Evening
Sometimes you might find yourself in social settings where you don't know
anyone. Here are a few lines that have been proven effective in breaking
the ice:
My old lady wants to get to know you.
I bought some pearls just like those at a yard sale last weekend.
Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?
How long have you had that thing on your nose?
Is that a new tattoo?
When's your parole up?
Entertaining in your Home
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his
manners are.
Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
Establish early in the evening what is okay to spit in and what's not
okay to spit in.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Always wipe your hands before picking your teeth.
Make your guests feel at home. Let them adjust the rabbit ears on the
TV, and make the dog give up the couch.
If guests overstay their welcome, a friendly hint may be in order, such
as, "Ya'll are either gonna have to leave or chip in on the rent."
Dating (Outside the Family)
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years
ago."
Shower her with compliments: "You ain't near as ugly as your sister.
And that scar barely shows when you get up close."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the
boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.
Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.