"A Field Guide To The Trouser Snake" joke

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Name: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
Location: Throughout the world
Description: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra
layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous
spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) Size varies from 3 to 12
inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.
Symptoms: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by
excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware:
It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
Habitat: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most
unusual places.
Antidote: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the
venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete
recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
What To Do When Attacked:
Tourniquet: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to
be affected.
Cutting the wound: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as
the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
Sucking the wound: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so
far has not been reported to have led to any success.
Searching for Anti-venom:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with
the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and
start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on
the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a
vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

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