Funny Jokes

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription:
"When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here."

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up". The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you"!

A Sardarji joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone,"Abey saale Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension!
Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The Sardarji shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, youfool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director. "Good!", replied the Sardarji and put down the phone!

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a
bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes
a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I
will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking
vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka
whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home
he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He
looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he
smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and
it is the best vodka
that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come
quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes
another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He
tells her to drink, that it more...

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [purportedly practicing the perfect pucker].
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxy lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated...
He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to more...

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effor
- Herm Albright -