York Jokes / Recent Jokes
John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard more...
Part 9 - (The Future of Real Programmers) - the final part
What of future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of
computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of
them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days
can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft - protected from the
realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly"
opearing systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without
ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL
From my experience, I can only report that the furure is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. more...
Pickpockets put hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm
You can walk across frozen East River, and see dozens of mob informants beneath you
Taxi drivers wear turbans with ear flaps
Mike Wallace and Morley Safer are constantly hugging
The hookers have on long-johns
Chemicals that make up the Hudson River have congealed into a thick greenish paste
Whenever a bike messenger gets hit by a cab, he shatters into a million tiny pieces
Headline in New York Post: Man Stabbed in Midtown for CBS Earmuffs (Dave dialed up the bank of pay phones down the street from the theater and had two people run down to meet him inside. Because of the cold, he gave one of them a set of earmuffs with the CBS logo on each ear)
You can see people's breath when they yell "Screw you!"
Everyone's wearing pants
A prominent Columbia Maryland Yuppette had her teenage niece from New York visiting for the summer. She decided to sit down and have a talk with the girl explaining how things were done in Yuppie City.
"Darling," she advised, "you must be careful of certain men who offer you several drinks. Before you realize it, they'll push you down on a couch and... well... our family will be disgraced."
Less than a week later, the Aunt asked her how things were going.
"Great!" said the girl. "A young stud did indeed try to ply me with liquor, but I made him drink them. Then, when he was bombed out of his mind, I pushed him down on couch and screwed his brains out. So it looks like our family's doing pretty damn good, huh?"
During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh more...
Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences – one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida.
First to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, "Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me."
Next is the Texan, who measures up and says, "I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me."
The man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, "$2700."
The park owner, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?"
"Easy," says the New Yorker. "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan."