Yew Jokes

Sven & Olaf were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter', he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
Vell', replied Olaf,' I got it from my Genie'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure, it's right here in my tackle box, says Olaf.
Could I see him?' asked Sven.
Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Sven says,' Hey dere, I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will', says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million more...

Bill Clinton, Lee Kwan Yew and Mahathir arranged to go on a world tour, traveling on a plane which can only take 4 people, including the pilot. Just before they left, Bill Clinton suddenly announced that he would like to bring his little nephew along.' But the plane is designed to take 4 people only, and I'm afraid it may crash!' worried the pilot. However, Clinton insisted, and finally the boy was allowed to board the plane. True enough, the plane encountered problems and was going to crash, but to their dismay, there were only 4 parachutes. Clinton grabbed the 1st parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the president of the mighty USA, and my life is the most valuable!' and jumped down the plane without a second look. Lee Kwan Yew grabbed the 2nd parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the Senior Minister of Singapore, and my life is just as important!' and jumped down. Mahathir, not to be outdone, grabbed the 3rd parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the Prime Minister of Malaysia, the most important of more...

For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?" "Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy. "Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should' av bought yoreself a rifle!" "A rifle? What fer?" "Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck. "W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"

adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red' bout in skool. antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz. bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why? bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked. catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this) cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous) d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live. emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee) genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1 hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur more...

For a weddin present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "Watcha do with the money, son?" "Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy. "Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should av bought yoreself a rifle!" "A rifle? What fer?" "Supposn one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin wid yore wife," explained the older redneck. "Watcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"