X-mas Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    This married couple wakes up during the X-mas season.
    The wife says, "I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that our X-mas tree was decorated with dicks and on top was the biggest, hardest, smoothest dick I have ever seen."
    "I suppose that was mine," the hubby said proudly.
    "No, I think maybe it belonged to Brad Pitt," she replied. "Oh yeah," he said snottily. "Well I had a similiar dream."
    "I dreamt that our tree was decorated with pussies and on top was the wettest, best looking pussy I have ever seen."
    "And I suppose that was mine?" she asked. "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"

    Twas the Night before X-mas
    T'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed
    He cussed out the elves and through down his list
    Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
    I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
    I've busted my ass for damn near a year
    Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear
    The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night
    The elves want more money the reindeers all fight
    Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
    Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
    And just when I thought that things would get better
    Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
    They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny
    Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
    And the kids these days- they all are the pits
    They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shits
    I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
    Assembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and heads
    I made a ton of yo yo's No request for them
    They want more...

    In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing… then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out. PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you…

    A. Jump out of bed shouting “Santa’s here! ”
    B. Jump out of bed shouting “What the %&!@ was that?! ”
    C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
    2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: “On…”
    A. “a gada da vida. ”
    B. “top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese…”
    C. “Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen! ”
    3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
    A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
    B. Isn’t it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
    C. A reindeer, stupid!
    4: If a fat man in a more...

    Christmas Survival Quiz
    In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing… then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out. PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you…

    A. Jump out of bed shouting “Santa’s here! ”
    B. Jump out of bed shouting “What the %&!@ was that?! ”
    C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
    2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: “On…”
    A. “a gada da vida. ”
    B. “top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese…”
    C. “Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen! ”
    3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
    A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
    B. Isn’t it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
    C. A reindeer, more...

    Twas the Night before X-mas

    T'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed
    He cussed out the elves and through down his list
    Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
    I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
    I've busted my ass for damn near a year
    Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear
    The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night
    The elves want more money the reindeers all fight

    Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
    Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
    And just when I thought that things would get better
    Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

    They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny
    Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
    And the kids these days- they all are the pits
    They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shits

    I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
    Assembling dolls.... Their arms, legs, and heads
    I made a ton of yo more...

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