Wrong Jokes / Recent Jokes

There is black boy, Malcolm; a white boy, James; and a Mexican girl
Jaunita in a spelling bee at school.
To win the spelling bee the student must spell the word correctly and use
the word in a sentence.
Teacher: James, spell dictate.
James: d-e-c-t-a-t-e
Teacher: Sorry that's wrong.
Teacher: Juanita spell dictate.
Juanita: d-i-k-t-a-t-e
Teacher: Sorry that's wrong.
Teacher: Malcolm spell dictate.
Malcolm: d-i-c-t-a-t-e
Teacher: Correct Malcolm. Now use it in a sentence.
Malcolm: Juanita, how my dic tate las nite?

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she more...

This Story is true! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had written the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk more...

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
AMDA: "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
AMDA: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: AMDON, go to the map and find North America.
AMDA: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: AMDON!
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TEACHER: AMDON, how do you spell "crocodile"?
AMDA: "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
AMDA: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER: AMDON, give me a sentence starting with "I".
AMDA: I is...
TEACHER: No, AMDON. Always say, "I am."
AMDA: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: "Can more...

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, more...

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos any more. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!
Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, 9