Winning Jokes

Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.

With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars. "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself,' Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said more...

Winning the Lottery by Jack Potts

10. When filling out your driver's license application, you give your IP address.
9. Rather than ask prospective dates what their sign is, your line is "What's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends an email.
7. You're astounded to find out that spam is a food.
6. You 'ping' people to find out if they're awake, 'finger' them to find out how they are, and 'AYT' them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the 'Net endlessly with the hopes of winning every silly free T-Shirt contest.
4. You refer to your wife as 'my [email protected]' and to your children as 'client applications'.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as 'my domain server'.
2. After winning the office super bowl pool, you shout out, "I feel so 'colon-right parentheses'!"
1. Two simple words - "Pizza's here!"

The beautiful young blonde goes to a soda machine at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. She arrives just before a businessman. She opens her purse and put in 50 cents, pushes a Diet Pepsi button, and out comes a Diet Pepsi. She puts it on a counter by the machine and reaches back into her purse. She pulls out a dollar and puts it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushes the button for Dr. Pepper and out comes a Dr. Pepper and 50 cents change. She takes the 50 cents change and puts it in the machine, pushes the Lipton Iced Tea button, and out comes a Lipton’s Iced Tea. As she reaches into her purse again, the businessman who has been waiting patiently for several minutes says, “Excuse me, but are you done yet? ” She looks at him and indignantly replies, “Well Duhhh!!! I’m still winning. ”