Valentines Day Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Ode to Valentine's Day

    Hot 2 years ago

    Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
    What the hell is that schtuff for
    People get mushy and start acting queer
    It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.
    This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.
    Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
    I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
    And wear all black for the rest of the week.
    Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade?
    For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
    The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,
    Because I think love is a bunch of $#!+.
    So there's my story... what can I say?
    Love bites ass... SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY!

    A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"
    With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
    That evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

    Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's day.
    10. Watching "Fatal Attraction" over and over to remind me what I'm not
    9. Trying to decide how much to pay for sex... $20, $50, $200, the rest of
    my life?
    8. Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back
    7. Calling all the women I've gone out with in the last year, and asking them
    if they enjoyed my wedding presents.
    6. Renting the Jocelyn Elders workout video.
    5. Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate, then
    eating like a pig.
    4. Taking my significant other, Candy, to be patched at the local bicycle
    repair shop.
    3. Compaigning for a law banning the following phrases:
    Can't we just be friends?
    I think of you as a brother. (sister)
    I mean *sleep* together.
    You'd like him - he's a lot like you.
    My boyfriend (girlfriend) and i got back together.
    Sure, I'll go out with you.. more...

    My love for you... it came and went.
    So your feet are now in wet cement.
    I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
    Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
    Lie down with me - it's my final offa,
    Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
    I picked up this card from a slim selection
    But that's all they offer here in witness protection.
    Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
    Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
    So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
    Violets are blue, roses are red,
    I blew up your car - So why ain't you dead?
    The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
    You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!
    Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
    But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
    Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
    Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
    Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what more...

    The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine... depending on your personality:
    Bold - face it, you want me
    Clever - IOUXOXO
    Cosmic - Didn't we know each other in another time and place?
    Dreamy - I never believed in love at first sight until you
    Enchantress - A valentine spell has been cast on you!
    Femme Fatale - You cannot escape. I have ways to make you mine.
    Athletic - How about a little one-on-one?
    Musical - Always a love song in my heart for you.
    No-nonsense - What are you waiting for?
    Old fashioned - My mother warned me about guys/girls like you.
    Sarcastic - Hey! I signed the card. What else do you want?
    Scientific - The chemistry between us is definitely affirmative.
    Self-assured - Be my valentine. "NO" is not an option.
    Silly - You're hotter than a jalapeno sandwich!
    Wild Child - You are twisted and slightly dangerous. I like that in a person.
    Worldly - more...

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