Useful Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Return the Dog

    Hot 4 years ago

    Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, "Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!" Blonde
    Return the Dog "Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it more...

    Docs Go To Heaven

    Hot 3 years ago

    Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven."

    The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too."

    The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

    "Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.
    So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
    "Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."

    So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."

    God's Human DNA CodeFor many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that verylittle of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that therest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin asfollows: ===/* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy - * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements - skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * more...

    Mechanics' humor

    Hot 5 years ago

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat more...

    Phrases Useful in the Workplace
    1. Thank you - we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
    2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
    4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.
    6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
    7. What am I - flypaper for freaks!?
    8. I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.
    9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.
    12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
    13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
    14. How about never? Is never good for you?
    15. I'm really easy to get along with more...

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