Unto Jokes / Recent Jokes

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the more...

The chosen ones
And Moses said unto the lord, "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"

1. Look before you leap
He who hesitates is lost
2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
Don't beat your head against a brick wall
3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Out of sight, out of mind
4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today
Don't cross the bridge until you come to it
5. Two heads are better than one
Paddle your own canoe
6. More haste less speed
Time waits for no man
7. You're never too old to learn
You can't teach an old dog new tricks
8. A word to the wise is sufficient
Talk is cheap
9. It's better to be safe than sorry
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
10. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts
11. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you
Nice guys finish last
12. Hitch your wagon to a star
Don't bite off more than you can chew
13. Many hands make light work
Too many cooks spoil the broth
14. Don't judge a more...

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, more...

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane
Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy
Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our more...

And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?" And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch." And Jesus said, "What?"

The Chocolate Ritual (You need to know a bit about wicca for this to be a knee slapper.. . )

Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)

CALL THE more...