Unp Jokes

Some of the possible headlines for Daily News proposed by the govt media unit for the day following after the Katunayaka airport attack.
1. UNP agents and thugs attack and destroy the airport.
2. Ranil suspected of transporting Terrorists to the airport.
3. President's bravery saves the airport from complete disaster.
4. President parised by the masses for her bravery.
5. General Anuruddha promoted to Field Marshal after fighting alongside Army Commandos and saving lives at the airport.
6. SriLankan airlines aircraft suffer minor damage from small arms fire.
7. PA uncovers plot to assassinate President after Ranil along with UNP agents steal MI-24 Helicopter gunship!!

8. Airforce plane suffer minor damage from the morning blast.

>Here's a collection of answers given when different people were asked
>this simple question:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Political figures:

>Chandrika Kumaranatunga:
>*. It was a result of the 17 year rule of the UNP. I will appoint a
> commission to look into that matter.
>Ranil Wickramasinghe:
>*. The UNP as a national party will oppose any such move by any
> chicken to cross roads. We will hold a Satyagraha, and file a
> violation of fundamental rights case in the supreme court!!
>G. L. Peris:
>*. The chicken didn't actually cross the road. I can prove this to
> you by using the statistics released by the Central Bank. There have
> been such instances in other developing countries as well.... This
> shows very good economic growth.
>C. V. Goonaratne:
>*. The chicken crossed the road to end the 17 year old curse of
> bribery, corruption, and terror... Upon reaching more...

Yuo folks!
The election fever is now at its zenith but I am still not sure whether you have decided whom to vote. Hope this brief guide will help you?.
The top ten perfectly logical reasons to vote for UNP?
1. Your grand farther had voted for UNP, your father had voted for UNP and now you want to continue the family tradition.
2. It is the lesser of the two evils. (Justification: "Bheeshanaya tikak thibuna thamai, eth api meeta vada hondata kala endala hitiyane!" Though it was a bit terror regime, we were better off then.)
3. You are an automobile tire merchant and you are certain your business will prosper under a UNP regime.
4. You are an under world Goonda and you have a feeling that your skills and talents will be exploited in a more productive manner if UNP comes to power.
5. Your wife (husband) is an ardent fan of Chandrika and you know in this darned country no self-respecting man (woman) admits sharing the same political ideology more...

Had they spoken Computer lingo, this would be what the Sri Lankan political leaders might be saying:
Chandrika Kumaratunge: Why should I be the one who gets all the blaming whenever the computer goes down? UNP had misused it for 17 years and when given to me, it was in a real bad shape. See what I have done to improve its performance within just four years. Haven't I fixed a brand new screen filter? Haven't I given it a brand new mouse pad?
Ranil Wickremasinghe: She promised a Pentium and gave you a damn 286; She promised a 56k modem and gave only an outdated 14. 4k one; She promised 64MB RAM and now tells you to be satisfied with 8MB. So why don't you vote for me? I'll give everyone of you a brand new Pentium III with grand multimedia kits.
Anura Bandaranaike: That blue computer sucks. It has no processing power at all. The only working part it has is its' MOTHER BOARD'.
Wimal Weerawansa(JVP): As a party, JVP vehemently opposes violence. We do not even allow our more...

If a dog bites a man, they say, it is not news, but if a man bites a dog it certainly is. Well, yesterday this incident actually happened at the Pettah bus stand, Colombo. A man bit a dog. And this is how the different sections of the Sri Lankan press reported the event.

DAILY NEWS:
UNP THUG BITES A DOG
Yesterday, an innocent dog was bitten in front of a large crowd at the Pettah bus stand, by a man, who was later identified as a supporter of the opposition leader, Mr. Ranil Wickremasinghe. Daily News learns that the dog received only minor injuries but following the immediate intervention of the President HE Chandrika Bandaranaike Kumaratunge, he was admitted to the intensive care unit of the Colombo General Hospital Canine ward. In a statement, President also condemned the attack and questioned how long the Opposition leader intends to maintain silence on the inhumanity and cruelty of his supporters over innocent animals.? We should take this act very seriously. more...