Universal Jokes

Universal resume translator
I know how to deal with stressful situationsI'm currently on long term Prozac treatments.
I am able to take the time to interact wellI take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I have strong communication skillsI talk too much.
I'm proud of my organizational skillsI love to tell other people what to do.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organizationI've used Microsoft Office some.
I'm honest, hard-working and dependableI only pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includesTo say nothing of all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my workI blame others for my mistakes.
I'm balanced and centeredI keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I have a good sense of humorI know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly.
I'm personable and interested in othersI give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm willing to relocateI've just been evicted again.
I more...

Universal truth: Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

Nov 28, 2005
Moved in to my new Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the
smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The
cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my
personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the
appliances and the security system. Everything runs
off a univeral remote with the friendliest interface I've ever
used. Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.
Nov 30
Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
tweaked the oven a few degress for my pizza. Everthing nice & cozy
when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
Dec 3
Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything
else electrical shut down - lights, microwave, coffee maker -
everything. more...

The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be! ========================================================
Dear
a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief, f) Near & dear friend
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm f) Snow Mobile
was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni f) Ski Doo
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your a) house b) wife c) Mistress d) Cub Scout troop more...

The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!========================================================Deara) Momb) Dadc) love of my lifed) Assistant Principale) Local Police Chief, f) Near & dear friendWords cannot begin to express how sorry I am that youra) Carb) Housec) Petd) Espresso makere) Left armf) Snow Mobilewas severely damaged by mya) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated prank.How could I have known that thea) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zambonif) Ski DooI was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of youra) houseb) wifec) Mistressd) Cub Scout troope) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete more...