Understand Jokes / Recent Jokes

Senior Chef's Death

Hot 7 years ago

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's
senior chef had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I am very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist
answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed, "Perhaps you did not understand me. I am
afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.
"Madam, do you understand what I am saying?" said the exasperated
receptionist, "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed, "I just cannot hear it
often enough."

Rules of the South

Hot 5 years ago

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to more...

50 Facts About Women

Hot 1 year ago

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the more...

The Italian

Hot 7 years ago

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.
I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two
pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.
I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no
understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss
on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me
somma ma b*tch.
Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana
tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!
Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she
bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She
tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I
wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna
ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.
So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I
calla the manager and tella him I more...

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he more...

• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are. • Women have a number of faults. Men have only two - everything they say and everything they do. • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. • When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country. • A man is a person who will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. • Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter. • It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence. • Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle more...

Italien

Hot 6 years ago

(read with atalien accent)
I go to america and i go into a small restauraunt i ask for 2 piss of toust he only give me one piss i tell him i want a piss he sais go to the bathroom i say no no no you dont understand i want a piss on me plate he says you beter not piss on de plate you son of a bitch i dont even now the guy he call me a son of a bitch.
then i go to a fancy restauraunt and he give a spoon a knife but no fock i tell him i wanna fock he says evrybody wanna fuck i say no no no you dont understand i wanna fock on de table he say you better not fuck on de able you son of a bitch.
Then i go back to my hotel and there is no shit on de bed i tell him i wanna shit he says go to the bathroom i say no no no you dont understand i want a shit on the bed he sais you better not shit on de bed you don of a bitch.
the next morning i go to the counter he says peace to you i say piss on you to you son of a bitch im going back o italie.