Umpire Jokes / Recent Jokes

One time, Grace was having no luck bowling against a stonewalling batsman. After each ball, Grace would say to the umpire:' I'll have him yet!'

Next ball, he hit the batsman on the pad. Grace turned to the umpire.
'What did I tell you?' he said.
'Out,' said the umpire.

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office
to see one of his aides nervously approaching him.
"What is it?" the President yells..
"It's the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks..
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season.
The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something..
Suddenly, Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field..
The stunned umpire shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said,
Throw the first PITCH!'"
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken and fish..
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says..
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks..
"Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking more...

The captain of a team says to the Umpire, "My players want to know if there is a penalty for thinking." The Umpire says, "No." The captain says, "Well we think you're an asshole, then."

The stonewaller had been at the crease for two hours and had scored one run. It finally got too much for the umpire. He raised his finger and said:' Out'.

'What for?' said the batsman.

'Loitering with intent,' answered the umpire.

Just before the match, the secretary received a message in his office from the turnstiles. There's an umpire down here with two friends. Wants to know if they can come in.'
'No,' replied the secretary, ' the man's obviously lying.'
'How do you make that out?'
'Whoever heard of an umpire with two friends.'

In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic.
"What are you doing?" asked the spectator.
"Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."

The village teams were ready to begin their match but discovered that they were without an umpire. They decided that they would use a member of the crowd even though he knew nothing of the rules. When he was dressed in his white coat and hat, he went up to the captain of the home side.

"What do I do?" he asked

."It's very simple," said the home captain. "When I shout "HOWZAT!" you simply put up your finger and say "OUT".

When it's our turn to bat, I'll tell thee a little bit more!"