Twenty Jokes / Recent Jokes
"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!
10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?
9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!
8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.
6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.
5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.
4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.
3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.
2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Kill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an asshole.
1) (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?
20 dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty more...
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years andtells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig eversince his wife died.The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether thepig is a male or female."No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is afemale, of course. What the hell do you think I am - a goddam queer?
A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." more...
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began: "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He more...