Truly Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of' em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

    Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.
    "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

    "I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

    "I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

    The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

    Next morning at the funeral, the more...

    /* GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas! */
    When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were only socks and underwear.
    During this particular Christmas, by good fortune we had many gifts. For the first time in a long time, we received a lot of the things we actually wanted. I was one of seven children, so this was a very big deal. We were all so excited and could hardly wait until Christmas morning.
    However, on that Christmas Eve, after careful reflection and much heated discussion, my father decided that it was much too much, and that in this frenzy that we had lost the true meaning of Christmas.
    With much trepidation, we were instructed to hand over all but one of our unopened gifts. There was some crying, some anger, some shock and disbelief. What happened next truly astounded us. My more...

    Letter to the Railroad

    Hot 1 week ago

    Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years,
    and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I
    am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I
    think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people
    2,000 years ago.
    Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter with
    reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are
    somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation
    2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen:
    I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
    confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of
    David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
    ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on
    your train in the last two years.
    Your truly, A Commuter

    Part 4 - (Opearting Systems)
    ------------------------
    What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid - CP/M after all, is basically
    a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.
    Unix is a lot more complicated of course - the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT
    command is called this week - but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't
    do Serious Work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games
    and research papers.
    No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of
    IJK305I error (s)he just got in h(er)is JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to
    the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs burried in a 6 megabyte core dump without
    using a hex calculator. (I have more...

    Here it is nicely illustrated:
    Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:' 'Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
    And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
    And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I more...

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