Tonya Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    From today's USA Today: Top 10 things that Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't want to hear from her Olympic roommate, Tonya Harding:
    No, I insist, you go first.
    Your cocoa is the one on the left, and honest, it's suppose to be that color.
    Well, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess the tub is kind of slippery.
    I know, let's pretend you're a pinata.
    I'll design the kneepad, you endorse it. We'll make a foutune!
    Do you have any idea how Katarina feels about prractical jokes?
    Oh. I guess those don't go in the microwave.
    OK, so I've watched the shower scene from Psycho nine straight times. What's your point?
    Someone named Knuckles? For me?
    Enough, already. It was only a knee!

    The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)Tonya Harding Presents... Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out? Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve? Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you? Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the... Tonya Harding Center For Opponent NeutralizationThat's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.Check out our price list:Blow to the knee... $99.95Blow to both knees (a better buy)... $149.95Blow to the head... $124.95Knife in the back (tennis players only)... $49.95Kick in the groin (male athletes only)... $9.95Poking out one eye... $49.95Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)... more...

    Tonya Harding supposedly saved an 81-year-old woman's life at the Lost
    and Found Bar in Portland by performing CPR on her (the medics said the
    woman had merely fainted). Says Jay Leno: "And I guess out of force of
    habit she performed mouth-to-mouth on three bikers at the pool table,
    too."

    Disgraced figure skater Tonya Harding just completed her first book. She hopes to read a second one soon. The autobiography is actually 300 pages, and the hardcover version is excellent for bludgeoning your opponents in the knee.

    Tonya Harding donned her ice skates and competed again this week after five years.

    Asked why she is returning to competition after such a long layoff, Tonya said she just felt like taking another whack at it.

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