Tonight Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Sonofabitch

    Hot 2 years ago

    A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
    The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to
    which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."
    After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
    The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"
    Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"
    Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry, Father, but that's
    what the fish is called: - a sonofabitch."
    Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know."
    After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and
    stops the Bishop.
    Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
    Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this more...

    More Church Bloopers!

    Hot 5 years ago

    Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:
    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
    Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
    The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
    The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
    The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
    Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
    The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer more...

    Strip Club Outing

    Hot 8 years ago

    Frank is a hard worker, puts in a lot of overtime and spends most of his evenings bowling or working out at the gym. His wife, Susan, feels he is pushing himself too hard so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
    The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Frank, how ya doing tonight?" Susan is puzzled and asks Frank if he's been to the club before. "No, honey," Frank replies, "He's just a guy that works out at the same gym I go to."
    When they are seated, a waitress approaches and asks Frank if he'd like his usual scotch. Susan, now becoming uncomfortable, says, "You must come here often for her to know that you drink scotch."
    "No, she's in the Ladies Bowling League and we share lanes with them," Frank explains.
    Just then, a stripper comes over to their table, throws her arms around Frank and says, "Hi, gorgeous, want your usual table dance?"
    Now furious, Susan grabs her purse and more...

    Not Tonight, Dear

    Hot 7 years ago

    One night, just after going to bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and began to rub her arm.
    The wife turned over and said, "Not tonight, dear. I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh."
    A few minutes later, the husband tapped his wife on the shoulder again and whispered, "Do you have a dental appointment tomorrow too?"

    At the Amusement Park

    Hot 6 years ago

    A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
    They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
    "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
    "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
    Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
    "I wanna be weighed," she said.
    I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
    The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
    "Wousy!" said the girl.

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